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17 October 2010

I-search why


THE REASON
I have been in love many times in the past, some with disastrous results, and some with incredible outcomes that still give me goose bumps.  I am not looking for lost love, nor do I care about the tepid or tempestuous relationships of the past.  The first time I actually knew love was, of course, when it was on its last legs. I didn’t know what I had until it up and walked away.  I was left with those feelings we have all had, emptiness, despair, pain, etc. for a while, and I didn’t like it.  I liked the loopiness of love much better.  I grew up without a father, and was weaned on the television shows that illustrated the undying romantic love of husband and wife.  In my eyes love is indeed eternal, but it is not free.  I had the requisite girlfriends and the odd pelvic affiliate, but never really understood until I met Mary.  I had been serious with a few women, even married one in an attempt to force love.  It fell apart within a year.  Mary made me feel like Cocaine was supposed to.  She had a way to make me tongue-tied and clumsy, like an overbred inbred puppy hit by a baseball bat.  She made me feel like I was the smartest, best looking, most important man on earth.  Every morning I smiled, thinking I was so lucky to have her as my wife.  Then she was gone.  I didn’t wallow, and I had enough time to think about the inevitable, so I was satisfied with what I had in the end.  I counted myself among the fortunate few on earth to have found love, real love.  I never had any hope of matching that, and was settling into my new life alone when I met Cindy.  Here I go again.  Now I wake up with that look on my face again, and a feeling in my chest like it’s Christmas and I’m going to get everything I asked for.  I’ve been positively giddy for a dozen years with Cindy, and I want it to last forever.  Off I went, in search of 1: Couples that are in love, 2: Couples that have been married forever, and 3: A combination of both.  This is a fact-finding research mission that I hope will bolster my marriage and maybe intensifies our relationship.  Cindy has no idea I’m doing this, but she’ll be my guinea pig (She’s actually Scottish and quite good looking) for any suggestions that are not absurd.  I am aware everyone is different, all relationships are not based on the same principle, and there is a wide age gap as well with some subjects.  This is part of the scientific process to account for variables.  I am fully aware if I am found out I may suffer the wrath, but I need to know why our relationship requires very little effort to stay dynamic.  I have always thought you needed to work at love, but I am finding this is not the case.  I also am aware I cannot compare our love with others in the same boat, because all I wind up doing is gloating.

1 comment:

  1. Have I seen a Background section? Some of this reads like it should be background, some of it reads like section 4 (the search), some of it, yes, will eventually go in the why section.

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