process

Nothing can be more frustrating than a bad haircut. If you have a hot date or a job interview and go there thinking you look like an eighties T.V. newscaster you’ll lose your self-confidence and with it the date or the job. Face it; we live in a society that judges us on appearance alone. No one cares if you can cure cancer if your head looks like two gerbils are mating on it. Why do you think Mother Theresa wore that cloth on her squash? That’s right. Bad Hair. My point here is not that you shouldn’t make fun of people with bad hair, but that you should strive not to be made fun of because of bad hair. To that end, let me tell you a sure-fire way to get the haircut you need to succeed in today’s superficial society. First, you’re going to pick a style. Then you’ll be going to the stylist or salon. Of course you will have to recreate this new look at home later, so that’s another step. If you follow these directions in order you will be the belle of the ball.
Why do we have hair anyway? It’s to pledge allegiance to our favorite celebrity! You really should get a favorite celebrity with the same size and shape head as you so things don’t look so out of scale. For example; if you are a big Dolly Parton fan and happen to be a forty-something male gym teacher, you should think again about your taste in music. Perhaps you should listen to more Mitch Miller. Once you choose your follicle leader you may or may not have to grow or cut your hair to match them. Cutting is discussed in the next step, but growing is time consuming and boring, so my suggestion is just not to do it. Find a style more like yours already is, only shorter and more socially accepted. Don’t lose sight of the goal: acceptance through imitation. If the only celebs you can find with your head shape are in rehab or jail, make sure they are at least on a reality show about their “struggles” or you’ll lose all social cachet. Before you go on to step two you have to have a picture of your idol to take to the salon. Make sure the pic you cut is from this week’s magazine so as to be “fresh” and “exciting”.
The next phase involves finding the right establishment to do the transformation. A helpful hint: don’t go to one with faded photos in the window! These places may have been around for a while, but they definitely aren’t riding the razor’s edge of fashion. Maybe your mom got her hair cut there, but who wants to look like your mom? Not even your mom does, that’s why she gets her hair styled like someone else. Try the newest place you can find, even if nobody there speaks English and they all wear leather shirts. Look for this salon with your nose; chemicals equal science equal progress and progress is what we’re after. Once you find the right place, you need to pick a stylist. Don’t accept the first one available, but look for the one with the worst hair. This is because they all cut each other’s hair, so you know she’s not the one who did the hack job. Show her your picture from the magazine and trust her to do her thing. Remember, barbers go to college and colleges are favorite target groups for celebrities. Settle back in the chair and let the magic begin. When she’s done she’ll helpfully suggest a line of hair care products made especially for you. Buy them. I know they’re expensive but remember: barbers go to college…they’re smarter than you.
Sporting your new look will bring you untold confidence and swagger…until tomorrow morning when you look in the mirror. This is not the time to be alarmed, remember the bag of hair care products? Use them now to bring your hair back to factory new! Pour those bottles of progress on your scalp and let them do their thing. With your hair now submissive, you should carefully (using your photo as a guide) place every strand back the way it was yesterday. Don’t worry about how long it takes or if anyone’s waiting, remember this is progress. A little known fact about hair styling is that a mirror will actually reverse the image. This is key to remember in case your picture (or you) has a misshapen head or one ear you need to cover, or a tattoo. When you get to work (late as is the style) don’t read anything into those looks from your fellow employees. It’s awe and jealousy, plain and simple. Recreating these steps is only necessary as long as you have hair care products. After that you start the process over again.
By now you have learned how to choose a hairstyle, how to pick a salon and stylist, and how to keep your hair from being the reason you’re not invited to parties. Remember, this is a repeatable process and not a permanent cure for bad hair. With your new hair style comes renewed prowess, both on the job and at home. Be prepared to be treated differently, as all celebrities are. It has been said that the difference between a good hair cut and a bad one is two weeks, but we both know the difference is social validation. The Prince Valiant will come back in style, and with these easy to follow steps you are ready!